BDSM Guide for Beginners

first time BDSM player in shadows wearing lingerie

 

BDSM has a bit of a bad reputation, seen as an excuse to abuse your partner by misinformed people. Contrary to this common belief, people who correctly practice BDSM will only do what is consented to by their partner and will stop what they’re doing if asked to.

A lot of people’s first impression of BDSM comes from the popular movie Fifty Shade of Grey. While there are some accurate depictions of BDSM play in the movie, there is a lot more to BDSM than what is depicted in it. If you’re interested in learning more about BDSM, keep on reading.

What does BDSM mean?

BDSM stands for Bondage, Discipline, Dominance, Submission, Sadism and Masochism. We’ll go through what these all mean in a second, but you can see that there’s more to BDSM than what you might have thought initially.

Categories of BDSM

Let’s go through the different categories under BDSM so you can learn a little bit more about them.

Bondage

Bondage includes you or your partner being physically restrained with tools and toys, such as:

You will find often the most affordable option is to purchase your bondage toys as a kit.

Bondage requires trust as the person who is restrained is completely vulnerable and unable to act. It is important that you only allow yourself to be bound by someone that you trust.

Discipline

Discipline in BDSM refers to the restraint of one’s behaviour. There are dominant partners known as doms, submissive partners known as subs and switches who will either be a dom or a sub depending on their partner.

The dom can choose to set rules for their sub to follow, if they consent. These rules will then allow the dom to reward their sub for being well behaved and following the rules, as well as being able to punish them when they break a rule. Accidental rule breaks should also be punished so the sub takes them seriously, though this is completely up to the dom.

Punishments for breaking rules can include:

  • Impact play
  • Tickling
  • Chores
  • Humiliation
  • Taking away sub’s rewards or privileges they have earned

Dominance & Submission

Dominance and submission are a paired kink, are very well known inside and out of the BDSM community. The dom will take control and the sub will listen and do as they’re told. Some people may wonder why anyone would want to be a sub and give up their control, but everyone is different and there are people who enjoy being told what to do.

Dominance and submission is also available to BDSM partners outside of sexual acts, and can have influence on their lifestyle as well. This can include rules being set for diet, fashion and behaviour.

There are other forms of dominance and submission too that are less known. Consented blackmail involves a dom taking photos or videos of their sub doing something that could expose them, threatening to leak it unless they are perfectly behaved. Financial domination involves demanding money in exchange for photos, videos or even just to talk to them. There’s something for everyone!

Sadism & Masochism

Also known as Sadomasochism, these kinks are focused on deriving sexual pleasure from either giving or receiving pain. This type of pain isn’t strictly physical either, and can extend to verbal abuse or torment.

It is extremely important that you both consent to this, otherwise you will just be abusing your partner and this can seriously damage your relationship. Make sure you clearly understand what your partner agrees to beforehand and to not overstep these boundaries.

Everything you need to know about BDSM

Now that you know more about what BDSM actually is, it’s time to learn about what you need to know to get started.

Educate Yourself First

The internet is a great starting place for learning about BDSM. There are forums, articles and even pornographic videos that will help educate you about everything BDSM related. If you’re really interested, try seeing if there are any local BDSM groups where you would be able to speak with other people and learn from their experiences.

Don’t Rush Into BDSM

You may have a lot of fantasies that you want to try, but it’s not smart to go into your first BDSM session with a to-do list. Start slowly and become comfortable with the basics before you start to play around with some of the more intense BDSM kinks. This will also build trust with your partner, making you both more comfortable with each other for future sessions where you start to explore more into BDSM play.

Communicate Clearly

Communication is essential for your BDSM sessions to go well. Properly communicating with your partner will ensure that you have a great time by clearly defining boundaries. Consent can be given verbally or physically, depending on what you and your partner would like to do.

Communication before your session will define what you do, as well as establishing safe words and signals for the sub to use in case they aren’t enjoying what’s happening or need to take a break. Your chosen safe word should be something that won’t be said randomly so when the dom hears it, they know immediately that they need to stop what they are doing.

Communication during your session is also important, especially to get feedback from a sub that can’t actively communicate due to bondage play or being gagged. Make sure you find the balance between not communicating enough and too much, as you can possibly kill the mood by constantly pestering your partner.

Understand Your Role

As a dom you need to be firm and fair, taking control without abusing your power. Find out how your sub wants to be controlled so you can satisfy their needs as a sub.

As a sub you need to trust your dom and give up control, letting them tell you what you need to do for them. Find out what they value in a sub so you can be on your best behaviour.

Being Aware

You may have consent from your sub to bind them for example, but it’s not a good sign if you see them looking extremely uncomfortable while you tie them up. Being aware of their body language will give you the insight to stop what’s happening beforehand or make sure that they still want to go through with it.

Be Prepared

BDSM can be enhanced with the use of different sex toys and tools, so make sure you have a collection of things you want to try. You can even do shopping with your partner to make them more comfortable during your sessions, as they will be familiar with the toys being used on them. They may even see something that catches their attention, which is a good sign to buy it for your next session.

Get Dressed

Sex toys aren’t the only thing you can buy to prepare for a session. Sometimes there is nothing more erotic than your partner wearing sexy lingerie, a slave collar for you, or a cute cat mask. Talk with your partner to see what they would be interested in wearing, they may even have suggestions for you too.

BDSM Aftercare

Aftercare is a time for doms and subs to relax after a BDSM session. BDSM is a fantasy that is lived out in the bedroom and aftercare is a way to snap back to reality.

Due to the intense nature of BDSM, your sub may experience a phenomenon known as sub drop. This is caused by a sudden drop in endorphins after the session has ended. Aftercare is the first step in helping your sub recover from sub drop.

Aftercare can be physical and emotional, and is basically anything you can do to help your partner feel better after BDSM play.

Physical aftercare can include removing restraints and toys, providing food, water and first aid, running a hot bath or shower, giving them a massage or even just cuddling up and watching something together.

Emotional aftercare can include talking about how the session went, discussing any feelings they may be experiencing and giving them an appropriate outlet for those feelings.

Aftercare isn’t limited to the day of your session either; if your partner is still feeling down the day after, you should try and be there for them. This will also show them that you are reliable and want to look after them, improving your relationship as BDSM partners.

Conclusion

BDSM is widely known, but at the same time not many truly know what it entails. Consent and trust are extremely important aspects of BDSM, allowing you both to truly enjoy what you are doing. Now you should know enough to talk about BDSM play, adequately prepare for it and know what to expect afterwards.

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